I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He felt like a one man threesome
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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