im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Is Oprah even human
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
