I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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