My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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