my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm both gender and math confused
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize