i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
