did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
