So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
