He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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