Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize