I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
