I wish my penis had an off switch
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
