i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
