No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
