i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
