she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
