Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
