The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
