my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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