The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
