How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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