Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
