and my herpes radar will keep us safe
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
