Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
