he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she peed on how many people?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
