We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
