Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
