Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
