Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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