clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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