No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's blow job season.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
