I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
