you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
