Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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