That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
