I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
