I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
