just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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