Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
