I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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