i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
