Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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