Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
