thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
