Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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