You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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