just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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