Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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