I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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