after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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