so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
