Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
