I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
