I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
