I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
