I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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